Walker, Texas Ranger

What would Rocky do, if Walker, Texas Ranger, comes walking in?

Have you actually thought about this question? Can you imagine the damage? All that manliness, testosterone, and awesomeness in one place would surely be too much for the world to handle. Stallone has a history of acting recklessly while filming movies. Let's take a look at some of the films and the disaster they caused from higher-than-acceptable levels of awesomeness:

D-Tox (2002): Sly Stallone, Tom Berenger, Robert Patrick = A typhoon in Taiwan kill thousands.

Driven (2001): Sly Stallone, BURT REYNOLDS! = Quake in Gurarat kills 30,000+.

Get Carter (2000): Sly Stallone, Rachael Leigh Cook = Well, 2000 was a tame year, but Rachael Leigh Cook is SO FINE it was worth mentioning.

Cop Land (1997): Sly Stallone, Harvey Keitel, Ray Liotta, Robert DeNiro = I don't think the world knew how to react to that awesomeness.

Judge Dredd (1995): THE LAW? I AM THE LAW! Court's adjourned.

Demolition Man (1993): GOD, THAT MOVIE WAS SO AWESOME!!!

Over the Top (1987): I THOUGHT IT WAS SO COOL HOW HE WAS LIKE, SMALLER THAN THE OTHER GUYS BUT WOULD STILL ARM WRESTLE BECUASE HE LIKE LOVED HIS KID AND LIKE WOULD ALWAYS COME CLOSE TO LOSING BUT WOULD THEN LIKE TURN HIS HAT AROUND LIKE A TOUGH-GUY TRUCKER AND SUDDENLY LIKE HAVE ALL THIS EXTRA POWER AND WOULD LIKE ALWAYS BEAT THOSE BIGGER GUYS AND IT WAS LIKE SO FREAKING COOL BECUASE HE WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP AND HIS LITTLE STUCK UP ASSHOLE SON FINALLY LOVED HIM BACK BECAUSE HE PULLED THROUGH FOR HIM AND HE EVEN HAD AN AWESOME NAME LIKE LINCOLN HAWK LIKE I WISH THAT WAS MY NAME!!!

Anyway, I'm way off track now. Thanks a lot. I'm not going to even get into the destruction Norris' awesomeness must have caused over the years. Basically, the question is, what would Robert 'Rocky' Balboa do if Cordell Walker walked into the same room.

This question requires some knowledge of science. Have you ever seen the movie, Timecop, with Jean-Claude Van Damme? Of course you have. So you'll remember the premise that two versions of the same matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time. If they do, they turn into a hilarious looking blob and blow up...or something like that. Well, it's similar with people who have these levels of manliness and awesomeness.

Luckily, Rocky and Walker are both honorable, smart men. They would never intentionally endanger the people around them. If you remember in Rocky III, Rocky got angry and put himself in harm's way to protect Adrian from Clubber Lang's harassment. Basically, Rocky and Walker would both rather put themselves in harm's way than ever allow bad things to happen to others.

Ok, I'm going to go watch Over the Top BECAUSE I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT IT NOW! AHHH!

Timecop blob thing:

Even the picture is dangerous:

House Buying 101

I just recently got married to my girlfriend of 7 years and now we're going to start shopping for a house. Neither of us have ever gone house shopping before, any advice on what we should do?

Congratulations on getting married! Rocky and Adrian didn't even date a full year and their marriage lasted 26 years before she passed tragically due to "woman cancer." I wish you many years of happiness with your new bride.

If you remember in Rocky II, Rocky and Adrian went house shopping after getting married. Now, many people will tell you to make sure to get house surveys and termite inspections. Phooey! Don't listen to them. 

Here's what you need to do:

• Walk through the first floor living room.
• Walk through the kitchen.
• If the first floor is nice, you can assume it's nice upstairs too. No need to go up there.
• Ask how much the taxes are.
• Ignore how outrageously high the taxes are for a Philadelphia row house in 1976.
• Say, "We'll take it!"
• Smash your Trans Am into the garbage cans every time you park in front of your house.

That's it! House Buying 101. Good luck!

Weight Lifting

I am an avid weight lifter.  I have been doing this for about 5 years now, however lately I have been finding it harder and harder to motivate myself to hit the gym.  I need help!

An important question I must ask: Is weight lifting all you are doing? Remember, a good boxer has a solid core fitness foundation and strength on top of it. Remember in Rocky I, II, and the first fight in Rocky III? Rocky weighed in the low 200s, while his opponents greatly outmatched him in size. Remember the first fight against Clubber Lang? Rocky was 202 pounds versus Clubber's even 235 pounds. What happened? Rocky was crushed. It would seem size was the clear advantage here, you just can't compete with that kind of power when you're ~30 pounds lighter and only 5'9".

However, in the second fight against Clubber Lang, Rocky was a mere 191 pounds. Lang was edging on 240. Ivan Drago in Rocky IV was a staggering 6'4" and 261 pounds. What happened? Rocky won, and in the latter case, also brought down the entire Communist regime. Two years later, Reagan, clearly inspired by Rocky, tells Gorbachev to "tear down this wall!" Two years after that, down goes the wall and freedom, sunflowers, and bikini car washes flourished.

What I'm trying to get at is open up your routine to a full-body workout. It will add some spice to your routine, making it more interesting while preparing you to fight America's current battles in the ring. Remember the saying, "When in Rome, or Russia, do as Rocky does." Or is it, "Rocky see, Rocky do?" Anyway, find yourself a small gym with a tough trainer and get to work. If one of these gyms is not available, find yourself a small shack in a Siberian forest, grow a beard, and start chopping some wood. 

If you need extra motivation, watch this training montage. I watch it every morning while snacking on my Rocky Crunch Punch bar for that extra protein burst.

Obsessed Coworker

What would Rocky do if his coworker was obsessed with a movie series?

Good question. A lot of it depends on the movie series. Is this person obsessed about a character? Maybe he/she sees this character as an idol or a hero to him/her. 

You know, Rocky himself had an idol of his own, Rocky Marciano, the undefeated boxer from the 1940s and 1950s. Marciano was an amazing boxer. He was undefeated in his professional career and was knocked down only twice. Rocky saw him as an unbeatable, unmovable man. 

What many don't know, is that Marciano fought his way through life much like Balboa. As a child, he struggled with weight issues and pneumonia. He never actually wanted to be a boxer, he wanted to play baseball. Another thing many don't know, is that in his amateur boxing days, Marciano would sometimes kick an opponent to avoid losing by decision or knock-out. The match would end by disqualification. He was a dirty fighter before he turned pro. Not a good quality for someone to idolize.

What I'm getting at is Marciano may not have been a perfect example of an idol, but Balboa saw much of himself in Marciano. Even Mickey said that Balboa reminded him a lot of Marciano. If your coworker sees much of himself in this character, then there is nothing wrong with that, especially if it is an honorable character such as Rocky Balboa, LT. Marian Cobretti, or Judge Joseph Dredd. 

Now if this coworker is obsessed with a movie like Total Recall, Terminator, Collateral Damage, True Lies, Conan the Destroyer/Barbarian, or Junior...well, then he/she needs a life.

The not-so-hot girl

There's this girl that I really like, but my friends make fun of her behind her back a lot because she isn't as hot as some other girls we know. She's really nice and a good person, but I don't want to be laughed at too. What should I do?

Great question. This one is pretty cut and dry. It's simple: Marry her. It doesn't matter to the Italian Stallion how pretty a girl is, it's all about her heart. Just look at Adrian. She wouldn't even talk to Rocky at first, but he knew there was something about her. She had the heart it took to go the distance, just like Rocky. 

Remember in Rocky I, when he took off that weird hat Adrian was wearing and said, "I always knew you was pretty?" Well there you go. No one else really thought she was, she didn't even believe it. Rocky did though, and that's what matters. In Rocky III, when Rocky was serenading Adrian in bed, it was shown she has no rhythm. She couldn't even keep the tune going! Rocky didn't care, he thought it was cute and just laughed. 

You see, it's not about what others think of her, it's what you think of her. Good luck!